Oh Morocco. You’re so weird and wonderful and challenging and awful and beautiful and unique.
When I left the USA at the beginning of May, I knew I’d have my work cut out for me. The first part of my journey included me questioning my decision to leave. But the more I asked, the more I knew it was time.
I landed in Croatia after two weeks holiday in France, and it was wonderful. I met amazing people, open hearts, strong connections. I could only imagine what it would be like going to Morocco. I thought the magic would transcend the continents with me.
It did not transcend. I hated it here, at first. I almost quit my new job that I had worked and saved myself for. I was so confused by this place that is full of sunshine but that was so very dark.
My whole being was challenged. Who I am, what I am working for. I just simply didn’t know any longer. I reverted back into being 22 again. Immaturity in handling situations, longing for a way out, looking for a way to connect.
I argued with co-workers. I cowered in the face of adversity. I listened to the haters and ignored my heart. I ignored the haters and listened to my heart. In the end, the haters and the heart with both right, and both wrong.
What I can say now, after just submitting my visa papers… I am connecting. Today, I pulled from my heart strings. I came real. I came raw. I had a fuck-all of 2 weeks…I had a huge fight with my co-worker, I’ve been struggling with my own organization of life and work, I had challenge after challenge thrown at me, and I was in a very short-lived relationship that was based on a cosmic connection that I still can’t believe. The co-worker and I talked it out and now we are smooth sailing, the challenges worked themselves through and I have the confidence again to know that I can be a problem solver. The relationship ended abruptly but I realize that he was never mine to have. It was never a reflection of my quest for partnership, but a reflection that I have something to give to someone that needs it more than I do. He needed love, even if it was just for a short period of time. I gave it with nothing expected in return. I took it personally at first. But last night, I said this wasn’t for me. It was for him. And I believed that in my heart.
So today, I brought that to class. The energy from my students today, after sharing my heart, was electric. It gave me chills. It gave me the shakes. Tears were shed.
My co-workers at the villa and I do not speak the same language. But this week, we’ve connected. They feel like family. The love I feel for and from is so beautiful.
And I’ve heard from 3 separate people today, randomly, all from different elements in my life. All of them I love dearly. I think they feel my heart opening wide, as I sent it all out there, to the universe.
The size of my heart and its ability to maintain more love is awe-inspiring for me.
Keep finding the love. It only gets better with time.
Vanessa (Vanessa Fleming Yoga)
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